The Preamble
Once, when I was in my teens, I visited my uncle in Los Angeles. As we drove around sightseeing, our soundtrack was an old audiobook he kept in his car called “Beauty Fades, Dumb is Forever” – authored and narrated by the one and only Judge Judy. That day, I learned a valuable lesson that has stuck with me for all of my days. Yeah, you guessed it. I learned that beauty fades, but dumb? Dumb is forever, so worry less about how you look and focus more on not being a real dumb-dumb.
It’s clear that there are very few people in this world who are equipped with the skill to cleverly dispense such eternal nuggets of wisdom. One is Judge Judy. I imagine someday it’ll be Carters Sir and Rumi. And as of now, yet another is Kim Namjoon(ie).
The Pitch
All rise – this pitch is in session. Oh, you actually stood up? That’s great, I was just kidding – please know I appreciate your immediate enthusiasm and willingness to venture down this lawful road with me today. But please, be seated.
Now, at some point in your lives, it’s likely you’ve all had little squabbles or disagreements that have ended with you frustratedly crossing your arms as you huffed, “that’s not fair.” Or perhaps you’ve experienced larger failures of equity that resulted in you wishing you had the power to balance out the scales of justice.
Well, what if for one televised hour every day, you could?
You’ve had In the SOOP and In the SEOM, so how would you feel about In the COURT? (I know court doesn’t start with an s, but for the sake of justice, I hope you’re willing to move past that).
The show would be very similar in nature to that of “Judge Judy” in that people will come into the courtroom being moderately messy, but leave as better humans because they received a fair ruling and words of wisdom from the judge. Like the one time Judge Judy reminded us not to try to teach a pig to sing because it doesn’t work and it annoys the pig.
For In the COURT though, we wouldn’t have Judge Judy, we would have…
As your leader – as our leader – he is well-equipped to take on the toughest of cases and dole out the most even-handed resolution with sagacity and depth. To support this claim, I present to you Exhibit A: A YouTube video someone made of Namjoon being deep for 10 minutes and 37 seconds.
However, “wise leaders generally have wise counselors,” so to further ensure Judge Joonie wields his gavel justly, the rest of you will serve as his clerks. (You can also try taking turns as bailiff, though as creators of chaos yourselves, we might actually need an external party to help keep order in the court. We’ll play that by ear, depending on how the pilot case goes.)
As evidence of the myriad ways in which you support your leader, please refer to Exhibit B: A YouTube video someone else made of BTS protecting and caring for Namjoon.
Sidebar – this entire pitch also fits into a larger master plan, which is this:
In his role as Judge Joonie, Namjoon demonstrates his prowess and skill as a fair and just arbiter of the law. Not a soul on the planet has seen someone who rules the court with such righteous wisdom.
He later is nominated to the Supreme Court*, wherein the Senate unanimously (uNAMimously?) confirms his appointment.
As a Justice, his contributions are so inspiring that they spark a nationwide movement to modify the presidential requirements outlined in the Constitution. Continuing with his lifelong trend of breaking barriers, for the first time in history, public opinion polls show that 100% of people support amending the the Constitution so that Namjoon can run for the highest office in the land.
In another amazing show of solidarity, every single representative in both legislative chambers votes in favor of ratifying the Constitution with the so-called RM-mendment.
Namjoon declares his intent to run for office (giving a whole new meaning – and perhaps series of episodes – to Run BTS).
Nary a soul wishes to oppose his candidacy because doing so would simply be an exercise in futility. And, in a rare showing of global unity, every country in the world temporarily revises its leadership structure so that RM is their de facto Commander in Chief for the duration of his guaranteed two terms.
And that, ladies and gentleman, is how we get Namjoon for President…of the planet.
And guess who the first six members appointed to his cabinet will be?
Kim Seokjin! Min Yoongi! Jung Hoseok! Park Jimin! Kim Taehyung! Jeon Jungkook! BTS!
Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled program: In the COURT.
In our time together today, you’ve been presented evidence that:
- “Judge Judy” and “Judge Joonie” not only sound similar, but the individuals behind those names also have similar capabilities in terms of offering clever, life-changing advice.
- Namjoon’s strength as a leader is considerably derived from his fellow members’ unwavering support and counsel.
- This whole idea is the stepping stone that leads us to the inevitable (and much-needed) outcome of Namjoon serving as the humble, healing leader of the universe (alongside his merry band of misfits).
In summation, this incontrovertible evidence leads you to only one clear choice. And that singular choice is to find this pitch guilty…of being something that should turn from a vision into a reality. (Even more specifically, a reality tv show.)
So, gentlemen, have you reached a verdict? What say you?
(And if you’re not into this show, can we please revisit the dog training idea? Because I really wanna see some dancing dogs, thank you.)
*Before you argue with me about qualifications, just know that the Supreme Court has already responded to this concern in its FAQs – likely in anticipation of the day they knew Judge Joonie would come along: “The Constitution does not specify qualifications for Justices such as age, education, profession, or native-born citizenship. A Justice does not have to be a lawyer or a law school graduate, but all Justices have been trained in the law.” Well, we’re talking about someone with a genius IQ here. He can easily be trained in the law. That’s not a problem. Calm down.
